In My Room
by ScarredNotBroken
Summary: Does God really exist? Gray hadn't thought much about it until a new member's words hit home. Death hurts, and Gray doesn't need another one on his hands after all. /MAJOR religious themes herein./


**A/N:** So, this is just a little somethin' I whipped up for my bestie, AnyDreamWillDo19, while she's serving as a missionary 1500 miles away. :) (...It seems like I'm writing more and more one-shots these days instead of working on my longer fics...heheh, gomen'na to anyone waiting on those... *sweat drop*) This features her OC, Elodie Kumari - BUT NO FREAKING SHIPPING, OKAY, PEOPLE?! (In case it isn't obvious, her choice of honorifics kinda indicates that anyway...lol)

Also, I don't really see this as being impossible. Magnolia has a cathedral, after all... Chances are there is form of religious practice in that world, if only implied, haha. Anywho...

And in case you didn't heed it in the summary or figure it out already from this note:  
**WARNING: **Contains MAJOR religious themes. I'm not going to apologize for it, because, why yes, I am a Christian and, no, I am NOT ashamed of it. End of story. So if you're offended, please leave now. _No Haters Allowed_. End of story.

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own it, and Santa didn't come through again this year. *sigh* I also don't own the lyrics at the end, obviously; that would be TFK.

* * *

"Kami-sama?" Gray frowned, resting his chin against the palm of his hand. "Yeah, I guess maybe He exists, but if He does, He sure doesn't care much about me."

"What makes you say that?"

Gray gave an irritated, exhausted sigh. "If you knew even _half _of what I've been through in my life, you wouldn't even have to ask that question."

The auburn-haired woman frowned. "You know, sometimes we have to go through Hell to get where He wants us to be, to change us into who we're supposed to be. He never gives more than we can handle, though. -."

He stood up suddenly, cutting her off. "Sorry, but I'm not really interested in religion and all that. It never did much for my parents, after all, so why should I even care?"

"Because knowing Christ is so much more than just 'religion.' I'm sure your parents understood that; I'm sure they'd wish you would understand, too,"

"Like I said, it never did much for them, so what's the point?"

Elodie stared good and long at the ice mage standing before her. He'd said he wasn't interested, yet there he still stood asking questions – questions he obviously wanted answers to. Finally, she answered, "Hope."

His gaze finally met hers. "Hope?" he repeated, the word sounding almost foreign on his lips. He scoffed softly, turning his eyes away again. "Hope of what?"

"A life so much better than what your eyes can see."

He stood silently, his gaze turned to his boots.

"You see, Gray-san, life hurts – I get that. For some it hurts a whole lot more than for others. But in the middle of the pain and brokenness, there _is _healing. You don't have to go through life alone – not when He is always there for you. He can make you whole again, and after that? He will _always _be by your side. When life hurts, He stays even closer to your side.

"You know, I envy you a little bit. You knew a father's love, if only for a few years. So tell me something. What lengths would he have gone to for you, Gray-san?"

Horrid memories flashed before his eyes even as he tried to push them to the back of his mind. As he saw his father standing before him once again, he felt like someone had punched him in the gut. He didn't have to think too hard about her question. "He would have gone to the ends of the earth – no, even to Hell and back again," he squeezed out. Why did she have to bring this up? It was still much too soon to be thinking about this… "What's your point?"

"Gray-san, Kami-sama loves you a million times more than you father ever did."

Gray looked up at her in shock. "You've gotta be kidding me," he laughed darkly.

"I'm not." Her countenance was completely serious. "He loved you so much that He gave His Son to die for you so you wouldn't have to be alone."

He looked away again. Ager a tense moment of silence, Gray finally whispered, "You don't know anything."

"You don't believe me?"

"No. I don't. There's no way that's the truth. There's no way anyone would do that for me, not after all I've done." He chuckled darkly. "Ironic that _I _of all people would say that, I guess, considering so many people already have, but all of those times… It was my fault." He turned away to leave. "I know you're just trying to help, but I've had enough people die for me, and I don't need another one."

"There is one big difference here, Gray-san. He's standing, waiting with open arms for you come to Him. He died for you, yes, but He didn't stay dead! Not even death could defeat Him! That's how we have hope for a better future." He stopped a few steps away from the table. "You know the truth, Gray-san, so why are you still trying to run away?"

* * *

Gray couldn't sleep that night, Elodie's words circling through his mind. He hadn't said a word in response to her final question, choosing to silently leave the guild hall instead. But now… He almost wished he had broken down then and there, but…he just couldn't do it, not in front of the entire guild. It would have so completely out of character, after all. He just wasn't someone who broken down. …At least, not in front of others.

He rolled over and screamed into his pillow. He was starting to lose his mind over all of this. How had that conversation even started anyway? He usually avoided stuff like that, but this time… She had seemed so sincere – so much like his own devote mother – that he couldn't help but to want to talk to her.

He felt so…empty, so hollow ever since _that _day. He felt like nothing made sense anymore. He just wanted to hide away somewhere safe until the pain passed so that no one would have to see. He had spent so long trying to be strong that he had to admit he no longer knew when to ask for help. So here he would sit, alone in his dark room, making excuses for himself.

But oh, how tired he was of running away…

"Hey, God, are You there?" he found himself whispering. "I don't know if this is a good time for You, but…" He sighed in frustration. "Okay, so I've never really done this whole 'praying' thing so…can we just talk for a while instead? I…" He stopped, his vision starting to blur. Closing his eyes tightly, he let the first few tears fall silently. No one was there to see, after all, so it didn't really matter. "Ah, who am I kidding?" he choked out. "I don't even know what to say…"

He sat up, resting his head in his hands. "It hurts…so much… Do You have any idea –?" He stopped mid-sentence, head jerking up, wide eyes staring straight ahead. He almost laughed as a story his mother had told him a long, long time ago made its way to the front of his mind. "Yeah, of course You do, don't You? You…know exactly what it's like…to lose the one You love… But…I still don't understand. Why? Why did this have to happen to me?!"

"_Sometimes bad things happen, Gray, but you can't blame God for them, ne? If it were up to Him, we'd all still be living in the most wonderful garden and in His presence."_

"_But then why do bad things happen, Otousan?"_

"_Because the world is no longer perfect. But bad things aren't always as bad as they seem. Oh, some things will always seem bad, it's true, but God allows those bad things to happen to us, to test us and to teach us. Those bad things that happen, Gray… We can either let them break us, or we can let them lead us closer to Him. Sometimes, bad things have to happen in order for _better _things to fall into place. They shape us into who we are meant to be, Gray._

"_Never blame God, Gray. 'For everything there is season…'"_

"'_And a time for every matter under heaven.' I know, Otousan."_

"_Kami-sama will never leave you, Gray. Even during the hard times. Never lose faith, Gray. Because, sometimes, faith is all you have left."_

"He said You'd never leave me. Are you really still there, God?" Even as he spoke, Gray knew in his heart that what his father had once said was the truth. Without really understanding how, he knew He was there.

Gray knew that He had never left.

And there in the quiet of his room, Gray wept, letting all of his frustration sadness fall away for the first time he could remember.

* * *

It took him only a moment to find the brunette when in walked into the guild the next morning despite how busy the hall seemed to be for the early hour. Although, he supposed, it wasn't actually _that _early for most people; he was simply used to coming in later than he did today. Taking in a deep breath, he approached the table at which she was seated.

Elodie looked up with a smile as he stopped by her table. "Ohayo, Gray-san."

"Arigatou."

Her smile turned to a look of slight confusion. "For what?"

"Yesterday."

A look of realization dawned across her face, quickly followed by a smile. "Anytime. I'm just glad I could help in some small way."

He shook his head. "Small? You really have no idea…"

"I take it you're not running away anymore then."

"Not anymore." He sat down across from her. "I don't have reason to anymore. Not when I finally found what I was looking for all along. It's all thanks to you."

She shook her head. "It had nothing to do with me. You knew the truth all along, after all. You just needed a little help to find it again."

* * *

_"__They say You're always there, You never leave  
__Even when we don't believe  
__And that sounds like love to me  
__I know I couldn't do the same_

_"And they said that You can see my heart  
__Then You already know I'm falling apart  
__That's why I hide here in the dark  
__So no one has to see my pain_

_"I've never prayed, so can we just talk?  
__Don't wanna put You on the spot.  
__But can You bring the keys to my heart  
__And help me find the way?_

...  
_"I'm not sure if this is a good time  
__Or even if your home  
__It's a long, long way from Your throne but..._

_"Can You meet me in my room?  
__A place where I feel safe  
__Where I don't have to run away  
__Where I can just be me  
__Can You meet me in my room?  
__A place where I feel strong  
__A place where I belong  
__And I can call my own  
__I'll wait for You."_

_~Thousand Foot Krutch: In My Room_


End file.
